


This Short September

by ely_ely



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Dark, Drama & Romance, Exes, F/F, F/M, Heavy Angst, Hopefully a HEA, I blame law school., I can't stop the pain train., If not the sequel will be, Jealousy, M/M, Pain, Post-Break Up, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-11
Updated: 2019-05-26
Packaged: 2019-11-15 15:41:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18076199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ely_ely/pseuds/ely_ely
Summary: Rey and Ben are international lawyers with a shared romantic history. After breaking up about a year ago, Rey hasn't moved on, but Ben has. Rey's heart has already been shattered and she's barely hanging on. How will she react when she has to work with Ben on a new case and meet the new woman in his life?Welcome to the pain train.Note: I added to the first chapter.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Instead of working on my brief or notes, I wrote this. It was pretty cathartic. And painful. I blame homework.  
> Trigger Warning: This is going to be PAINFUL. And will probably get very dark. If that is a trigger for you, then please read with caution. Note the tags.  
> I'd like to point out that while I love to read/write painful things, if you ever feel miserable or like life just isn't worth it, it is. You are amazing, my beautiful reader. So keep on keeping on. I'm here to listen if you ever need anyone.  
> The National Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

_Monday_. It was Monday morning and 6:35 a.m., according to the buzzing phone next to her ear. Groaning and rolling over, Rey shoved her hand under her pillow, feeling for her phone. Holding it close to her dark-blinded eyes, she blinked and hit stop. She'd pressed snooze about five times since the first alarm started at 6:00, but she knew she needed to get up soon. Sighing, she tossed her phone on top of her covers and stretched her arms up, up, up to the ceiling before relaxing and rubbing her neck.

 _Ouch_. Rey thought. That workout last night really hit some muscles she wasn't accustomed to working. Rey had signed up for five introductory kick-boxing courses at the nearby gym, compliments of a Groupon Rose had so thoughtfully sent her after she complained about her personal lack of fitness. She was in her third class, but she was still finding that her muscles weren't quite cooperating by relaxing after class. _Maybe a hot bath will help._ Even though she'd taken one scorchingly hot shower the night before, a hot bath with Epsom salt would probably do the trick. But that would have to wait until later that evening. Now, she had to make it to an eight o'clock appointment with her therapist across the city before returning back across the city for work, where she had an important client meeting at ten o'clock. 

Rey lived in Washington, D.C., working as an international prosecutor for one of D.C.'s many agencies. Her meeting this morning was with the ambassador of Coruscant, complaining yet again of defamation by the NGO RESIST, Refugee Efforts in Science, Information, and System Technology. RESIST was claiming that Coruscant's leaders were blackmailing certain citizens who had left the country for better wages and working conditions in the U.S., trying to get them to return to their despot-run country. 

Rey didn't believe the ambassador for a hot second but, unfortunately, part of her job was to deal with clients she didn't like. _I miss law school_ , she thought with a grimace, then a chuckle. Her 50 hr study weeks with 30 hr interning during her school days had turned into 100+ hr work weeks. Sighing again, Rey jumped up from her foam mattress and rushed to the bathroom. If she left her apartment in Dupont Circle by 7:00, she could get to her therapist's office in Alexandria by 7:40, maybe with enough time to grab a coffee before rushing to the therapist. Rey hastily put on dabs of concealer, brushed on some highlighter, blush, and eyeliner, and quickly dabbed on her mascara. _Almost out. I should pick some up at CVS on my way home tonight_. Putting her hair up into a professionally messy bun, she groaned, reaching for her earrings. _If I work through lunch and don't stop for a break, maybe I can make it home by 8 tonight_. Just in time to...go back to sleep?

To say Rey was exhausted would be an understatement. She usually loved her job, with the traveling, intelligent and interesting clientele and coworkers, and the fascinating cases she was given. All in all, it truly was her dream job. However, she'd just finished a high-intensity case that involved traveling back and forth every weekend, and she didn't feel quite ready to start another one. _I suppose I'll sleep when I'm dead_ , she thought. _Although I might not make it to 40_. 

Rey was 27, single, with very few friends and even less of a life outside of work. Hence the kickboxing classes. _You've got to get out of your bubble sometime_ , Rose had told her. _My instructor, Finn, is AMAZING (not to mention HOT) and he'll have your mind off of work in minutes_. Clearly. Within five minutes Rey's mind was on nothing else but getting oxygen into her heaving chest and trying to lift her heavy arms back up into position. _I suppose if pain takes my mind off of work, then the pain it'll be._

Dressing quickly into her navy blue slacks and matching suit jacket with a white ruffle blouse tucked into her pants, Rey ran into her front room, hopping into her heels while grabbing her bag and keys. _Shit_. She thought. She forgot the deposition. She'd brought it home last night to take some notes while watching the latest episode of the Great British Bake-Off. Turning to her living room, she grabbed the folder off of the glass coffee table, gathering the scattered papers to shove them inside. She hesitated when she picked up the paper holding a picture of a tall, well-built man with dark, long, wavy hair. Had she known that Ben Solo was involved, she would have begged off of this new case. Although Ben wasn't the ambassador, he was the ambassador's legal representative. Ben was an amazing attorney and an even better litigator. _I'll just have to be better_ , Rey thought. Her heart skipped a beat before a heavy pain set itself down in her belly, rushing down to her toes. Blinking back tears, she almost lost focus remembering that night over a year ago when Ben broke her heart, leaving her to find her own apartment and new life, put back together from the pieces of the dreams she'd held before.

Rey wiped away the few tears that had managed to make their way down her face. Pushing the picture into the folder with the rest of the papers, she huffed and turned back to her kitchen, shoving the folder into her oversize leather bag. She grabbed her keys and sunglasses, checked her bag for her metro card, and glanced at her watch. _7:08, running behind but still on time_. She glanced at her reflection in the mirror by the door. Satisfied, she opened her door and walked out, as ready as she felt possible to face the day.

* * *

 

Rey hated being late. Running to the elevator, semi-hot latte in hand, Rey waved her arm at the people inside to hold the door. Clearly, none of them were fans of Game of Thrones, because no one felt compelled to hold the door for her. _Motherfucker_. Rey turned, looking for another elevator up to the 20th floor. The only other elevator in the building was up at floor 25, still going up. _This fucking management_ , she thought. _Too cheap to put another elevator in an overly crowded business building_. Rey sighed, looking at her watch. _9:30 a.m._ She still needed to print and staple copies of her notes for the other attendees. Unfortunately, her law clerk was on vacation and wasn't around to do this for her. _9:32_. Tapping her foot, Rey chewed her lip, glancing between the elevators and the stairs. _15th floor…going up. 30th floor…going up. Fuck it_. Rey ran to the door to the stairs and started running up as quickly as she could. As least she wouldn't need to exercise tonight.

Ten minutes later, out of breath, disheveled, and feeling blisters forming on her feet, Rey stepped out of the stairwell and turned into the nearby bathroom to check herself. _Ugh, I look awful_ , she thought, glancing at her reflection. As she stood miserably frozen, a woman came up to wash her hands. She turned in Rey's direction with a warm smile. "Good morning." Rey returned her greeting, mumbling in humiliation at her state compared to the stranger's classy appearance. She was dark blonde, with her hair styled back into a simple French twist. She had blue eyes, perfectly poised eyebrows and nose and a perfect-pout, and a perfect hour-glass figure wearing her classy deep blue dress that was just the right amount of tight around her figure. Of course she'd walk into a Vogue model after running up the stairs like a banshee. 

After the woman walked out Rey set down her coffee and settled her hair, glancing once again at her watch. _9:47._ She was running out of time. Deciding she was good enough, Rey quickly ran to the copy room, not bothering to stop in her office. Starting the copies, she tapped her foot anxiously and glanced at her watched again. _9:51_. Rey hated being late. Her tendency to be too early was the butt of jokes in her office. She had the habit of showing up to places awkwardly early. _9:54_. Normally it wouldn't bother her to be just on time, but _Ben Solo_ would be here. She wanted to look presentable, at least. _I wouldn't even be in this late mess if it weren't for him_ , she thought ironically. Since their break-up, Rey had finally begun to see a therapist with her many issues, at the behest of her best friend Rose. _And now, because of him, I'm late. 9:57_. The copies were finally finished. Rey grabbed the warm, fresh stack and headed down the hall towards the conference room.

 _You've got this_ , she thought to herself. _You are a boss bitch professional with an amazing career. No matter what he thinks, **you are amazing**_ **.** Too bad she didn't feel that way.

Glancing at her watch one last time, she walked up to the door with one minute to spare. Taking a deep breath, she pulled the heavy door and stepped inside.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey sees Ben for the first time in a year. He's met someone new, Rey has a flashback.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As previously mentioned, the "law" side of this will be sketchy. On that note, if anyone loves to beta things I'd love to send you chapters! You'd also get an outline of the whole work, so. I'd give you cookies, but they won't fit into the cd slot.
> 
> Have edited the dates in this chapter. Ben and Rey were together for three years, not the four formerly mentioned.

Smoothing her suit, Rey stepped inside the conference room to the sound of energetic small talk. Everyone had already arrived and seated themselves around the table. The ten people surrounding the table suddenly quieted and glanced at the last person to arrive, smirks on a few faces. Rey took a deep breath and walked to her seat, head held high. Rey found herself seated between someone she hadn't met and a coworker, Poe Dameron.

Glancing up across the table as she sorted her notes, she found herself looking into the eyes of the past. Ben. Once he noticed her glancing his way, however, he quickly cleared his throat, obviously uncomfortable. He turned to a woman sitting to his right, the same kind woman Rey had encountered in the bathroom. Saying something under his breath to her, she reached over and grasped his right hand, smiling softly and nodding in encouragement.

Stunned by the gesture, Rey raised an eyebrow, intending to send a questioning look towards Ben. Before she could garner his attention, however, her boss called the meeting to order.

"Welcome to this meeting. As previously discussed via email, this is just a post-deposition to discuss evidence and try to answer any questions before moving on to the next stage of our case." Amilyn Holdo's words, sharp and to the point as they were, still carried a melody and weight that made the listener feel both personally welcomed and that they were attendees to a moment of great importance.

"My firm as been working on details regarding Mr. Armitage Hux's claim regarding defamation against Coruscant's current ruler, Mr. Bradley Snoke. I'd first like to introduce the members on the team of this particular project," she said, motioning to her team as she called on each of them. "Ms. Rose Tico, Mr. Poe Dameron, Ms. Rey Niima, Ms. Kaydel Connix, and our newest member to the firm, Mr. Stomeroni Starck." Each person nodded as their name was called. Rey, catching Rose's eyes, smiled in relief to see her best friend. Even though they had been working together on this case for the past week, she still felt waves of calm whenever she saw Rose's smile.

Poe, ever the ladies' (and men's) man, winked at Rey, giving her hand a soft brush when he saw her eye twitching at the sight of Ben Solo. Kaydel, another close friend of Rey, sat on the other side of Poe, also sent a warm smile her way. Stomeroni, a man Rey had yet to meet, sat to her left. He smiled warmly and grasped her hand in greeting. Although he didn't blatantly flirt like Poe, his manners exuded a sensual feeling that caught Rey by surprise. "I look forward to working closely with you on this case," he said. Rey blushed, pulling her hand away quickly and nodding, smiling nervously at him.

"Representing Mr. Hux, Mr. Kylo Ren," stated Amilyn, gesturing to Ben and taking her seat at the head of the table. Frowning in confusion, Rey looked back at Ben as he stood. "Thank you, Amilyn," Ben responded in the deep, velvety voice that Rey remembered. It brought back memories of heated moments and desperate sighs, stolen kisses underneath the streetlamp at night. Blushing again, Rey shook her head and concentrated on what Ben was saying. "…and to my right is Ms. Tallissan Lintra, who will be working closely with me on this case. We have had great success together in past projects and hope to find a solution that will benefit our party."

Sitting, he glanced back again at Rey before glancing away and clearing his throat once again. Rey thought she could detect the slightest blush on his face, but she had no doubt that it was due to the gorgeous woman on his right, and not to herself.

_Tallissan. Even her name sounds like something straight out of Vogue._

Rey tried to hide the sharp pain she felt stabbing her heart as she noticed Tallisan's hand once again reach for Ben's, this time drawing it under the table. She couldn't, however, stop her quick gasp, and tried to hide it by clearing her throat. Only one other person seemed to notice, however, a tall blonde woman whose name Rey had missed while in her reverie during Ben's introduction.

 _No, wait, he goes by Kylo Ren now?_ Rey recalled the name from a comic book he loved when they were together, _The Knights of Ren_. She'd always teased him about it yet found his love of the comic, especially the connection he found with the lead character, to be endearing. _Now he's gone and taken up his name_ , she thought bemusedly.

Standing up, Rey cleared her throat once again, took the copies she made just before the meeting and, dividing them up, handed one stack to Stomeroni on her left and one to Poe to pass around.

As the papers were being passed, Rey walked up to the front of the room with her flash drive and inserted it into the laptop at the end of the table opposite from Amilyn. While she waited for the drive to load, she glanced again at Ben, who she couldn't seem to stopped watching. This time, he was rubbing Ms. Lintra's shoulder, picked up the hand he was holding and gave it a quick, gentle kiss, which was discreet enough that no one else noticed.

Frozen, Rey's heart skipped a beat…then another…and another. _Has he already moved on? But…we…_ Looking around, she once again caught the sharp gaze of the tall blonde woman. Her eyes seemed to recognize what was happening, and though she didn't detect sympathy in her look, Rey found herself somewhat empowered.

Taking a deep breath, Rey tried to focus and center herself, clicking on the powerpoint she had loaded. Heart racing, she tried to hide her shaking hands as she began her presentation. 

* * *

 

Rey wasn't sure how she managed to make it through the presentation, much less smile and shake hands with everyone afterwards. Those last minutes were excruciating. After her presentation ended, smiling and warmed by the compliments of her colleagues, Rey stood chatting with their team.

"Well done, Ms. Niima," Ben/Kylo's deep voice came up behind her. Rey thanked him and, stepping aside, make room for him in the circle. Noticing that Ms. Lintra was holding onto his arm, she moved further back to make room for her as well. An awkward silence fell on the group.

Poe, glancing at Rey and waiting for a reaction, decided to take initiative. "I don't believe we've met," he said to Ms. Lintra, holding out his hand in greeting. "We haven't, I'm Kylo's co-counsel on this case," she replied.

"So, you two have a history of work and…?" asked Poe, glancing between them.

"Oh, we try not to mix work with pleasure, but we've been seeing each other for six months now," she responded with a laugh. She pulled herself closer to him, a dreamy look on her face. "It's a bit cliché, but we were placed together on a case and completely hated each other. We realized pretty quickly that we made a solid team and, one night we were working late and got dinner together. One thing led to another and, well, here we are."

Rey felt the blood drain from her face. _Six months? Was that how little she meant to Ben? After three years together he got over her in **six months**?_

"Excuse me," whispered Rey faintly, "I need to use the ladies' room." Kylo's eyes followed her as she left, unbeknownst to her, a mixture of hardness and regret. 

* * *

 

Rey lifted her head from her arms folded on the plastic toilet seat. She heard the door to the bathroom open and heard someone walk in. "Rey? Are you in here?" Rose asked.

"Yes, I'll be out in a minute," Rey responded. Sighing, she pushed herself up and flush the toilet.

Walking out of the stall, she avoided Rose's open arms, pushing them aside in favor of the sink. She turned on the faucet and gathered water in her cupped palms, rinsing out her mouth and face. Looking up at herself, she remembered the afternoon fourteen months ago when she and Ben were standing at a precipice, unsure of where they were headed.

_~~~~~~~~~~_

_"Ben, I don't know if I'm ready to handle this," Rey held her arms protectively across her stomach, feeling miserable in more ways then one. "Whether it happens or not, I will be here with you," he replied, pulling her close and enfolding her in his arms. "I love you, and no matter what happens I won't leave. You know that, right?" he asked. Rey nodded into his chest, trying to dry the last tears that had fallen._

_Ben's phone chimed, signaling the end of the timer._

_~~~~~~~~~~_

_But you **did** leave me_, Rey thought, squeezing her eyes shut, trying to hold back tears. _You left me and found someone else_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not crying, you are.  
> If you liked this, please give kudos or comments! And let me know if you'd prefer it to be slow-burn and super angsty or a bit faster and less angst. Either way, I've got the story mapped out, but I can make it happen faster or slower. There WILL be a HEA.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bit of background

_Four Years Ago_

 ~~~~~~~

Monday is Rey's first day at the firm, working under her idol, Leia Organa.

 She can't believe that her 2L summer internship at the highly-competitive government firm turned into a job offer, but Mrs. Organa seemed to take a shine to Rey and her story. Perhaps it was Leia's tendency to take in charity cases. Whatever the reason, Rey was grateful for the opportunity and planned to do her absolute best in the position.

Walking up to the 30-story, glass building in downtown D.C., Rey took a deep breath while juggling her coffee and oversized bag. She could do this.

She smoothed down her coat (on sale for $10 at Ross) and reached for the door. As she started to reach for the door, simultaneously glancing at her watch to double check the time (for the hundredth time that morning), a large shadow overtook her and she felt the door _WHAM_ into her forehead.

Rey fell to the ground, coffee ( _my coffee??!_ ) spilled over the edge of her skirt.

Groaning, Rey looked up to see that the shadow was staring down at her in the form of a highly attractive man, with thick dark hair and deep brown eyes, mouth open in shock.

He was still holding the door open and seemed confused. Rey rolled her eyes and held out her hand. "Going to help me up?" she asked.

He shook his head, seeming to remember himself. "I'm so, so sorry," he said in a deep, velvety voice that made Rey feels butterflies ( _where were the damn butterflies coming from?_ ). "I was in a rush and didn't see where I was going," he said as he helped her up.

"You can pay me back with another coffee," said Rey, looking forlornly at her empty cup and stained skirt.

"Are you asking me out? Before we've even exchanged names?" the man asked with a chuckle. Rey rolled her eyes and walked inside. "You'll have to earn that date first, Casanova."

 

* * *

 

 

Sitting at her desk, Rey looked around in satisfaction. She'd organized all of her items, had a succulent set up and a cat bobble-head hanging from a small tree that said _hang in there!_

After three weeks, she felt like she was fitting in at her new job, especially having made friends her first day. She loved her team, mentor, and even desk-mate. She snorted, remembering the how that first day meeting Ben went. By the end of the day he'd asked her out twice. By the end of the week, at least ten times.

She'd finally given in after the fifth day her desk-mate brought her fresh coffee in the morning from her favorite coffee shop, Maz's diner in Dupont Circle.

They hadn't told anyone about their brand-new relationship status yet, hoping to enjoy the sweet time of getting to know each other before any busybodies inserted themselves into the discussion.

 

~~~~~

Present Day

~~~~~

 

Working with Ben, _no Kylo_ , and his team wasn't as bad as Rey first thought it would be. If you could get over Hux's annoying…everything, the rest of the team wasn't so bad. Even if they were representing the other side.

The tall blonde woman was named Phasma and she seemed to have a sixth sense about everything, knowing what was going on in the case or office gossip before anyone else. She had approached Rey about Kylo in the first few days. Rey, sensing the opportunity to talk about the issue with a non-invested bystander, decided to confide in her.

Phasma turned out to be a reasonable soul, a no-nonsense kind of person who could rip off the bandaide when giving advice. Rey appreciated that. Not that there was anything wrong with Rose and Finn, but sometimes it was helpful to discuss her problems with someone who could be honest.

Tallissan, although someone Rey wanted desperately to hate, was a kind person and someone that Rey would normally consider a friend. In this case, it was a bit too painful and awkward to do. Although the rest of her team seemed to understand and avoided the subject, Tallissan didn't seem to know anything about Kylo and Rey's past and so would discuss her and Kylo's relationship and love life during informal "girl-chats" at lunch time and weekly drinks.

As the weeks went on and Kylo's team became a bigger part of the group at the firm, it began to feel to everyone as though Kylo and Tallissan ( _shipped by the office as Kiley_ ) had always been a couple.

Even Leia, the head of the firm and once Rey's mentor (and someone Rey had hoped might be a future mother-in-law) accepted and loved Tallisan, treating her like the daughter Rey always wanted to be. Tallissan was invited to weekly family brunches, get togethers, and all future holidays.

This hurt even more than Ben's rejection. The family that Rey had felt herself to be a part of had forgotten her and made way for someone new; her replacement.

Rey tried to take this in stride but admittedly had her low moments, tending to forget to take her daily anti-anxiety and birth control and often slipping into nights of inebriation before bed. She still hadn't been able to start dating again but had had a couple of casual encounters, both of which left her feeling more bereft and in tears.

 

~~~~~

_One and a half years ago_

~~~~~

 

"Rey, will you move in with me?" Ben asked causally one night while they were curled up on his couch watching Stranger Things. Rey sleepily lifted her head up, hair a mess from being curled up in his side, a bit of drool edging out of her mouth. "Huh?"

Ben smirked, wiping the drool off of her face. Taking her face with both hands, he kissed her forehead. "Will," he kissed her cheek. "You," he continued to punctuate each word of his question with a kiss, "move in with me?"

Rey looked at him, a slow smile beginning to spread onto her face. "Yes, of course I will." Rey kissed Ben back on the lips, slow and sensual, just like he loved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the timeline is confusing...hopefully this helps:
> 
> March 2015…Rey starts at firm  
> May 2015…Ben and Rey start dating  
> October 2017…move in together  
> March 2018…Ben moves out, finds a new firm/break up (reason why to be disclosed shortly)  
> September 2018…Ben begins dating Tallie  
> March 2019…present day
> 
> If the timeline in anyway seems/gets wonky, please let me know!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait. I had a paper to write, but turned it in today!!! Woo!!
> 
> Yup. More pain. I edited the timeline a bit in the last chapters to make this flow better. I'll have a timeline at the end of this one.  
> I know Ben seems to be acting out of character. Maybe he moved on too quickly. BUT, I'm making this less of a feel-good love story and more of a dramatic/possibly realistic love story. In other words, it's messy.
> 
> Also, my writing style in this is unique; I'm skipping a lot of time and not putting in too many details. This is mostly because I'm impatient to get the story out, but also because I enjoy leaving some things up to the imagination. Important details, though, will be discussed.
> 
> I already have the next chapter ready, so it should go up this weekend, too.

"Rey, I'm so glad you came." Leah's hugs were always warm and welcoming; like coming into a warm room after being outside in the cold.

"Thank you for inviting me," replied Rey. I wasn't sure you would. Although Rey had been invited to join the Solos for Thanksgiving last year, it hadn't felt right since she and Ben had separated seven months prior. They didn't share holidays anymore, even though Leah had assured her that Ben would be spending his holiday working in Coruscant due to his prestigious new job with Snoke. Leah didn't like Snoke and had her suspicions of him. She seemed delighted that Ben was back at her firm, even if only for a short while. If Rey had to guess, Leah thought she could win him back somehow.

"Everyone, please join us in the dining room."

The group, consisting of Leah and Han, Ben/Kylo, Tallie, Chewie, Poe, Finn, Rose, Armitage, and Rey all settled in to the expanded table in the Solo's massive (yet someone comforting) dining room. Rey knew Leah hosted people over all the time and would be shocked if someone didn't have elbow room.

Rey sat between Armitage and Poe, Rose on Armitage's other side and Finn across from Poe. Ben and Tallie sat across from Armitage and Rose, while Chewie, casting warm smiles to Rey's doubtful expression, sat across from her. Leah and Han took up either end of the table.

"…and then Rey threw a book at him!" Poe laughed. Glancing over, Rey realized Poe was regaling Finn and Han with a story of a client who had tried to take some…liberties…when he realized that Rey was his attorney and he found himself alone in a room with him.

Rey imagined what would have happened had Ben and she still been dating. Ben would probably beat him up. Rey chuckled to herself.

"What's got you in a cheerful mood?" asked Chewie.

"Just a memory," replied Rey. "How is your foot?" Chewie recently had a series of operations on his left foot which had almost been crushed in an injury at his auto-mechanic shop.

"Oh, it's fine. Doc sent me to a physical therapist now the cast's off."

"I hope you aren't working too hard," Rey said, smiling. She knew how Chewie was - he'd complain about work or pain but secretly be working as much as he could to get work perfect or "get over" his injury faster.

"I can't with this woman always molly-coddling me," he said with a wink, nodding towards Leah.

Rey laughed, a warmth filling her chest. She hadn't felt so much at home in such a long time. Being separated from Ben had come with many downsides, including not seeing the Solos as often. She especially enjoyed spending time with Han and Chewie down at the shop. It felt more like home than anywhere else in the world.

Realizing that everyone was almost finished with dinner, Rey offered to help bring the dishes into the kitchen.

"Thank you, dear," said Leah. "These boys rarely help out with anything."

Tallie and Rose stood, also offering to help. Looking around the table at the men still sitting, the four women looked up at each other and started laughing.

"What's so funny?" asked Kylo.

"The patriarchy, dearest," said Tallie, patting him on the head.

They took the dishes into the kitchen, hearing Han grumble behind them at the other men to pick up the remaining dishes and help out the women if you want dessert, for god's sake. This earned a peal of laughter from the kitchen.

Chuckling softly, Rey stood at the sink with Tallie, handing her cleared dishes to wash as Rose dried and Leah put them away. As she got to know Tallie more, she realized that she was someone with whom she'd like to be friends. They'd known each other now for seven months. She knew that Kylo and Tallie had been dating since last September, so just over a year now. She wondered sadly how they had spent their one year anniversary.

Finishing up the dishes, Leah shooed the girls off to the living room. "I can handle setting up the dessert. We'll wait awhile before we start handing out pies and coffee." Nodding, the girls walked to the living room to find the men engrossed in the fourth (it's the ORIGINAL, Rey! Finn always complained) Star Wars movie. Tallie and Rose went in to join them while Rey walked off to use the restroom.

 Feeling refreshed after patting some water onto her tired face, Rey left the bathroom and began walking down the hall to the living room. A door to her side opened, revealing Kylo coming from his childhood room.

He paused when he saw her. They hadn't really been alone since…well, since the split-up.

"How are you, Kylo?" Rey asked politely. Kylo grimaced. "I wish you wouldn't call me that," he said.

"But it's your name."

"I know. Only…" He ran his hand through his hair in frustration.

"Kylo," Rey started, emphasizing his name, "you can't do this with me. You can't treat me like I'm still your girlfriend. I'm not."

Kylo nodded, looking down. "I know," he whispered. Looking up, she saw what seemed to be a mixture of hurt, love, and desperation in his eyes.

Rey began walking past him. "I still love you," she thought she heard. Turning back, surprised, Rey began to open her mouth when Kylo suddenly grabbed her hand and pulled her into his room.

Shutting the door, he pulled her close. She relaxed in his arms, breathing his scent in deeply. _This. This is home_ , she thought.

Looking up, she found Kylo's stare burning into her own. With something like a question, he dipped his head towards her. She nodded, licking her lips.

~~~~~~~~~

_October 2017_

~~~~~~~~~

Ben's phone chimed, signaling the end of the timer.

Rey nervously reached for the pregnancy test, holding it far away from her and squinting. Laughing gently, Ben took it from her hand and brought it closer. Two white lines had appeared.

"I'm pregnant," Rey whispered softly, tears forming in her eyes. Looking up at Ben, she whispered again, "I'm pregnant."

~~~~~~~~~~

_Present Day_

~~~~~~~~~~

Rolling over, Rey looked up at the ceiling and sighed. She definitelystill had feelings for Ben. As they kissed, made love, and finally came together, tears in both their eyes, he asked her to call him Ben. Just this once. Rey obliged.

Looking over at him, Rey was confused. She didn't know whether to smile or laugh. _Ben still had feelings - did this mean he would break up with Tallie?_

"Ben, I…"

Rey never had the chance to finish. "Ben? Are you upstairs?" she heard Tallie calling. "We're about to start dessert."

"I'm coming!" Ben yelled back. Grabbing his clothes, he didn't even look at her as he got dressed and left.

Rey felt like a knife had been stabbed in her heart. She'd let him hurt her again.

After getting dressed, she decided she couldn't stomach dessert and seeing people, so put on a smile to say goodbye, claiming a stomach-ache. "It was probably that cranberry sauce Leah made from scratch!" yelled Han from the living room. "Pretty sure her highness poisoned it!"

Rolling her eyes, Leah pulled Rey into another warm hug. "Please don't be a stranger," she whispered in Rey's ear. She handed Rey a few wrapped slices of pie before walking her to the door.

After saying (yelling) her goodbyes to everyone else, Rey stepped outside into the cold. Shivering, she began walking to the end of the driveway to wait for her Uber.

Suddenly, she felt a pair of warm arms stop her, pulling her into a hug. Turning and looking up into Ben's eyes, Rey only had the energy to ask, "Why? What do you want?"

Ben shook his head mutely. He began to say something and then stopped. Shaking his head again, he took Rey's between both of his hands, looking into her eyes.

"Rey, I'm asking Tallie to marry me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> March 2015…started at firm  
> May 2015…started dating  
> October 2017…moved in together/found out she's pregnant (~2 months)  
> March 2018…Ben moves out, finds a new firm/break up  
> September 2018…Ben begins dating Tallie  
> March 2019...Rey sees Ben again for the first time since the break-up.  
> November 2019…present day


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I hesitated writing this chapter. It's is probably the darkest (sorry not to leave you with a happy chap this weekend). Please note the tags.   
> If suicidal thoughts/attempts is a trigger for you, please read carefully or skip to the note at the end where I'll post a summary. Stop reading at "Slowly, slowly, Rey made her way up the stairwell to the roof."
> 
> The song lyrics are from "Unlike Me" by Kate Havnevik. Totally borrowed it from Grey's Anatomy.
> 
> National Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

_"Rey, I'm asking Tallie to marry me."_

~~~~~~

Running. As fast as she can. Down the hallway and far away. She'd always heard that in those moments of life, those ones where something, everything, changes, times moves in slow motion. She'd experienced it twice before. _This time…what was this time?_

~~~~~~

_Earlier that evening_

~~~~~~

"Welcome to our New Year's part-aaay!" yelled Poe into the microphone. Rose rolled her eyes. Of course it's Poe. "Don't forget, my Cinderellas, to find your prince in time for a midnight kiss or you'll turn back into a pumpkin!!" Laughing, Finn and Tallie grabbed his arms and pulled him away from the stage, wrangling the microphone from his hand.

Over a month after the disastrous Thanksgiving night, Rey felt like she had perhaps come to terms. She felt calm. Ben hadn't asked Talli yet and didn't say when he would. Hopefully somewhere private, with plenty of warning.

Looking around, Rey enjoyed watching everyone in their evening gowns and tuxedos. They all made a pretty good-looking bunch if she did say so herself. She wore a deep blue clingy, drapy dress that sparkled, falling to her ankles, only one strapped shoulder. Watching the crowd, she saw Finn and Rose in their matching black tuxedo with a red rose in his lapel and her rose-red dress. Rose was simply stunning.

Poe and his date, Kaydel, were just as stunning, he also in a black tuxedo and her in a pale-yellow evening gown.

Across the room, Rey heard laughter. Leia was embracing Ben and laughing at something that Tallie had said, pulling her next into her embrace and motioning for them both to sit down at her table. Ben also wore a black tux, but with an ivory vest, matching Tallie's mid-thigh ivory dress, clinging and draping beautifully to her figure, hair in a half French-twist up-do and halfway down. They were a gorgeous pair.

Ray swallowed down her hurt as she sipped deeper into her champagne, hoping to drown out the sharp pain stabbing in her heart. She was determined to at least enjoy somepart of the evening.

 

Ting-ting.Rey and Rose turned to the sound. Ben stood at the front of the room, putting down a glass and knife onto the table next to him. Leia looked on, a proud glow in her eyes. Rey's heart began to beat, beat, beat…

Holding out his hand, Ben called Tallie up to the front, extending his hand out to her. "Many of you know, this time last year was difficult for me," he glanced at Rey, and clearing his throat, continued. "But I've found someone who has helped me create new memories, find new interests, find a new love."

Ben held onto Tallie's hand, rubbing it softly with his thumb. Taking a knee, he reached into his pocket, pulling out a small velvet box.

"Tallie," he whispered, "I have loved you now for so long. There are no words to express how deeply I love and adore you, how much I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

Rey's heart stopped, her breath caught in her throat. Rose took her hand, holding it firmly. A lone tear she didn't even know had fallen dripped slowly down her chin.

"Tallie, my love, my sweetest heart," Ben opened the box and continued, "will you marry me?"

As Tallie wordlessly, heart in her eyes nodding and crying accepted the ring, Rey gently pulled her hand from Rose and began backing away. Rose turned to look at her, trying to take her hand again.

Rey couldn't say anything, so just smiled, waved her hand and shook her head. Please don't follow me. Rose smiled back and nodded quickly in understanding at Rey.

~~~~~~~~~~

_"Rey, will you move in with me?"_

_"Yes, of course I will."_

_Her boxes didn't take long to pack; she'd been basically living with him for the past two years. Because Ben was so shy and slow to open up, they had decided to take their time moving forward._

~~~~~~~~~~~

Slowly, slowly, Rey made her way up the stairwell to the roof. She needed to breathe. But her heart was pounding so heavily in her chest, every step felt weighed down with the weight of the world.

As she reached the top and stepped out onto the roof, she realized she was sobbing uncontrollably, gasping for air. Turning to the side, she reached the edge of the roof wall and slowly sat down the side, head rolling back and to the side as her body seemed to give up to the pain.

The stars themselves seemed to mock her; their beauty and timelessness laughing at her pain. _Here is beauty; here is happiness. It's not for you._

Rey wasn't sure for how long she continued to cry, but slowly the tears and gasps slowed down and she sat in the chilled air, arms held tightly around herself.

She must have fallen asleep at one point, because the sound of the stairwell door opening woke her up.

She heard someone giggling and glanced up. Ben and Tallie had come up to the roof, holding hands and stumbling onto the roof like drunk lovers.

Ben pulled Tallie to him and held her close, kissing her deeply. Rey felt frozen, as though the stars were continuing to work their magic against her, holding her there in torment to remind her how alone and unwanted she really was.

Ben pulled Tallie to the wall on the roof, which came about to his waist. Turning quickly, he picked her up and placed her on the wall. Gasping, Tallie opened her legs and Ben stepped in.

At this, Rey couldn't watch, but could hear everything that happened next. The slip of her skirt. His pants unzipping. Skin rubbing and reaching desperately. Gasps and sighs, deep and noisy kisses. The gasps became louder and louder until, panting for breath, they stopped, slowing down for kisses.

Rey continued to sit in shock, eyes wide, staring up at the mocking stars, tears streaming down her face.

She sat like that for the years, centuries, months, eons, that it took for the sounds of giggling, straightening clothes, loving whispers, and drunken stumbling to make their way back down the stairs, slowly growing fainter.

 

_There's no time._

_There's no time._

_There's no time._

_Time doesn't really exist._

 

Slowly, Rey came back to herself.

Slowly, she stood up, bracing herself against the wall. As if in a daze, she turned and looked out over the city.

She pulled herself up to the top of the wall, bracing herself with her elbows and pulling up her legs. She turned so that her legs dangled off the side.

 

_Unlike you, unlike you_

_I am not pretending._

 

Still in a daze, she grabbed her shoes and let them fall, one by one, not paying attention to where they hit.

 

_The past, the present and the future_

_Are all side by side, hand in hand_

_You move and change, yet you go nowhere_

_Everything stays the same_

 

Rey grasped the edge of the wall, then pushed.

 

_There's no time._

_There's no time._

_There's no time._

_Time doesn't really exist._

 

Pain. Cold. The sudden drop didn't do anything to wake Rey up out of her daze. Neither did the hit, tangling her in the stairs of the metal emergency stairwell three stories below. Her dress ripped, arms wrenched in the steps, falling and hitting until she finally came to a stop.

Blinking, tears and blood now in her eyes, a heavy pain in her head, Rey turned her head to the side, staring out at the stars as their mocking seemed to slowly fade, fade into darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It will get better from here, although the story is going to still be dark and rough for awhile. If it's not your thing, I'm not offended - I totally understand. This comes from a real place and may be too much for many people. Suicide is a real thing. If you or someone you know is facing it, please talk with someone.
> 
> National Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
> 
> In this chapter: Ben proposes to Tallie at a work part (she accepts). Rey runs to the roof to get away from everyone, but then Ben and Tallie come up to the roof and have sex (in her hearing). After they leave, she jumps off of the roof. She lands on a fire escape stairwell and is severely injured but doesn't die.
> 
> Don't worry, she's getting the help she needs coming up next chapter.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't stop myself.
> 
> Rey gets the help she needs and you get a bit more background on her and Ben's rocky relationship.

_December 2017_

 

Beep…beep…beep… The heart monitor hooked up to Rey mocked her pain.

 

_Earlier that day_

 

"Babe, you're going to do fine, they'll love your ideas," said Ben, holding Rey close and gently swaying her to Michael Buble's croons.

"If nothing else, they'll take one look at your adorable bump, feel bad for you, and give you the client." Ben leaned over her shoulder and winked at her, giving her a loud, wet, smackingkiss on the cheek.

"Gross!" Rey laughed, wiping off his drool. She turned in his arms, wrapped her arms around his neck and gave him a proper kiss before he sent her off out the door to her waiting Uber.

The drive to the airport was quick, but there was a delay up ahead, keeping her and the driver in the middle of the intersection.

Rey was on the phone, texting Ben, when suddenly a loud horn made her look up.

Barreling down the road towards her car was a semi, definitely not stopping. Rey didn't have time to move or think before the sudden _BOOM_ , followed by the feeling of spinning and a sudden darkness as the lights around her went out.

 

_Later that day, in the hospital_

 

"We're so sorry, your baby didn't survive." The doctor nodded solemnly to Ben and Rey. After the accident, Rey had awoken in the hospital, panicked and trying to pull off her I.V. and monitor as she searched frantically for Ben. The doctors had to administer extra medication to put her to sleep until Ben could arrive.

After the doctor's announcement and departure, Ben pulled Rey tighter in his arms. Rey gently pulled his arms away and turned from him.

"I'm so sorry, Ben," she whispered. "I'm so sorry."

"Rey, sweetheart, it's not your fault."

"I know, but I want to be alone. Please, just leave me alone."

 

~~~~~~~~

_January 3rd, 2020_

~~~~~~~~

 

Beep…beep….beep….

Rey slowly blinked her eyes, waking up to a throbbing in her head and numbness everywhere else. She tried to breathe, but every breath was shaky and full of pain.

She slowly moved her eyes painfully around the room, taking in the equipment that seemed to be keeping her alive. Poe and Rose were asleep in the corner, Rose still in the gown from the party but covered in someone's tuxedo jacket.

Rey fell back asleep.

 

_January 5th, 2020_

 

Beep…beep…beep…

Blinking her eyes open, Rey was able to move her head a bit this time. Poe and Rose were gone, this time replaced with Ben, standing at the window looking out.

He must have heard her move, because he turned and looked at her. He looked wrecked. His eyes were red and swollen. He was still wearing at least part of his tux; he'd clearly been sleeping in it, probably somewhere in the hospital. It looked like he hadn't eaten in days.

He opened his mouth to speak. "Rey…" He reached out to touch her but pulled back. "I'll go find a doctor," he said hoarsely.

After he walked out of the room, Rey fell asleep again, but this time woke up only minutes later.

Beep…beep…beep…

Beep-beep….beep-beep…beep-beep…

Rey tried to shake the confusion from her head. Where was the second beeping coming from?

The door opened and a doctor walked in, looking at her grimly. She pulled a chair up next to Rey's bed and started to explain the situation.

Rey had broken both of her arms, multiple ribs, her nose, hip…the list went on.

"The good news, other than your miraculous survival," the doctor went on, "was your baby's survival."

Rey frowned, now utterly confused.

Her doctor continued. "Its heartbeat is strong and I'm glad to say both of you will probably make a full recovery. But you'll remain in the ICU for a few more days; you had a severe concussion and extensive bleeding in your brain. We want to keep an eye on you before releasing you into psychiatric care."

"A baby?" Rey managed to grunt out of her unused vocal chords.

"Yes, you're about six weeks pregnant, from what we can gather."

Rey struggled to think back to Thanksgiving. Ben didn't use a condom. This was Ben's baby.

Unable to blink back tears, Rey let them flow freely.

"Do you want me to let your boyfriend back in now? He's been stalking your room since you arrived and terrorizing the nurses. I'm sure he's comforted seeing you awake again."

"No," whispered Rey. "Please don't let him in."

She must have sounded afraid, because the doctor looked shocked at first before grimly nodding and replying, "I'll escort him out. Do you want me to call the police?"

Painfully, Rey turned her head to look her full in the eyes. "No, just please don't let him see me."

Nodding, the doctor stood and asked, "is there anything else you need before I leave?"

"Does he know about the baby?" Rey asked.

 

_January 20th, 2020_

 

Rey had been in the psychiatric ward now for ten days. The admitting doctor said she'd be in for at least a month with the possibility of transferring somewhere else for a longer program, both to ensure she got the needed help and to make it easier in case any medical complication arose while she was still physically recovering.

Rey didn't care. She numbly took the pills they gave her every day, including the pre-natal. She thought about throwing the pills away, but the nurses checked to make sure she swallowed them.

Although she missed her privacy (a nurse followed her around 24/7 and she couldn't even use the toilet by herself), she was grateful to have privacy from her friends and colleagues. They had called and left messages for her, but she hadn't answered any of them. She wasn't ready to see anyone.

The only message that truly helped was from Holdo, telling her to take as much time as she needed. Apparently she'd hit the mark at work where her insurance allowed her to take paid critical-leave, so she wouldn't be in any financial trouble when she left.

 

_January 31st, 2020_

 

Twenty-one days. Rey was feeling mentally stronger now every day. At first she was angry that her attempt hadn't worked. _Why did anyone care whether she lived or died? It was her choice, dammit._

But the group therapy, fellow residents, and on-site therapist had helped her realize that her life mattered. That it was ok to be happy. She didn't owe anyone (including herself) any sadness.

So slowly, day by day, she felt herself begin to smile again. It started with a resident making a joke about oranges one morning, earning just a slight smile.

It turned into a laugh when she was taken downstairs for her first ultrasound and heard her baby's heartbeat for the first time.

She decided she was keeping it. And keeping herself alive. For the first time in such a long time, she felt she had a purpose again. She wasn't only surviving for herself, but _living_ to _love someone else_ and teach them how to _live_.

 

~~~~~~~

_January 2018_

~~~~~~~

 

Rey hadn't left the apartment since the accident. She knew she was being a burden on Ben, who had also lost a child, but she couldn't bring herself to care. Instead, she let the darkness of her depression take over.

Ben tried to pull her out of it, tried holding her gently in their bed, whispering love into her ear. But as soon as they would start kissing, Rey would start crying and would make him go sleep on the couch. She didn't want to be touched.

 

_February 2018_

 

Rey was hurting so much. _Why couldn't Ben understand? And what was wrong with her?_ Instead of drawing closer to each other over the pain of their lost child, Rey felt herself drifting away. When Ben tried to talk to her about finding help, seeking out a therapist or even checking into a psychiatric hospital, Rey felt betrayed and became angry, refusing to listen to him.

She'd never been angry like this before.

It started off with little things, like just rolling her eyes and pushing him away.

But then it turned into bigger things, like throwing dishes onto the ground and once even punching Ben. He had looked so hurt and confused, she broke down into tears at once and for once allowed him to hold her close.

 

_March 2018_

 

Rey didn't want to see Ben anymore. She loved him, still. She loved him so much that it hurt. But she knew by now that she was broken and that he deserved better.

So she acted out, slowly pushing him further away.

Until the day she pushed him too far for redemption. When she realized her mistake, she tried to take it back, began weeping and begging him to stay.

With tears in his eyes, he held her close one last time. "Please get help, Rey," he whispered, before shaking his head and walking out the door.

_He's gone._ The tears wouldn't seem to stop.

 

~~~~~~~~

_Present day - February 20th, 2020_

~~~~~~~~

 

Rey shook her head at the memories, wiping the tears away. _This time_ , she thought, _this time will be different_.


	7. Chapter 7

My dear readers, 

I'm so sorry this isn't an update - I know how disappointing "false" updates are. I still have a plan and outline for this story and will definitely finish it. BUT, I wanted to provide an explanation. As any author, I pour my own emotions into my characters. Rey is clearly coming out of a dark place in this story. I hit a low point around the time that I began writing this story and much of that is shown in Rey's character. I'm doing ok and received the help needed, but I had to stop writing for a time and let myself rest in reading some lighter stories.

I've also recently discovered X-Files. And y'all. It's AMAZING. How did I grow up through the 90s and not ever watch it?? I'm on vacation right now and, not gonna lie, I'm spending most of my time reading Scully/Mulder fanfics and watching adorable Gillian/David interviews on youtube. There is beautiful weather and fun touristy things to do and all I want to do is stay in bed and read glorious fanfic. :D

I had hoped to put up the next chapter sometime this week but, after reading another fanfic (of Scully/Mulder) I decided I wanted to lengthen and tweak the next few chapters a bit. I think y'all need some more time with pregnant Rey and awkward co-parent/dad/ex/friend?/potential lover? Ben.

Cheers,

ely_ely


End file.
